Australia’s Sporting Capital Pronounced Dead

Dr Aloysius Medusus Lord, POB, a world leading Physician of the Brain and a supporter of Melbourne Football Club today, has pronounced Australia’s former Sporting Capital, Melbourne, dead of unnatural causes.

Melbourne hosted the legendary 1956 Olympics. Melbourne hosts the Australian Open tennis tournament. Every year Melbourne also hosted the Australian Grand Prix which was one of the most courageous death defying sporting events of all time until everyone got too scared of catching cold to hold it anymore.

In a world first on death certificates, Dr Lord (a passionate Melbourne Football Club supporter in all situations after God’s own team has been eliminated from the competition) asserts that Coronavirus was not involved but lockdowns were the cause of death.

Dr Lord is sending this certificate to Australian Federal Police because he says they are the best placed policing body to bring those responsible for this unnecessary death to justice.

Dr Lord says that if the Western Bulldogs had won the 2021 grand final his diagnosis would have been the same. “As in most things in Australian life” writes Dr Lord, “it’s not what actually happened that matters. What really counts is our sacred right to get drunk and have fun together afterwards. Lockdowns clearly destroy that most fundamental of human rights.”

Jim Cousens (Dockamentry Film Maker) reporting, Footscray, 2 p.m. Grand Final Day, 2021 (revised at 11 p.m.)